Dear Deborah

     Damit!  We were together again last night in my dreams again, Debora.  We were next up to skate that final dance.  I knew you still had the M.S., but I was sure I could hold you up, all you needed to do was go through the motions and I would help you, just like I did when we first started skating.  I hate it when I wake up in the middle of a dream.  I feel robbed of your last days on earth, no one contacted me, and I should have known that you were not telling the truth when you had mentioned that the breast cancer had come back on your shoulder.  You matter-of-factly explained that it was nothing and that they were treating it with radiation.
    I miss you.  You were that one person that never gave up on me, and loved me unconditionally.  I finally went and saw Jeff.  You know that, though.  You were there.  I could feel you watching over the successful business that you and Jeff had created.  It was nice to see him and to let him know I was not dead.  When other people asked about me at the bakery, for some reason, people were saying I was dead.  If I were dead, we would be skating our favorite dance, the mirror waltz.  Maybe even the fascination foxtrot.  We would be laughing at old times, and catching up on the last 15 years that we hadn't seen each other.  I can't believe that Mitch divorced you.  I was going to ask Jeff, but it didn't seem the right thing to do.  Of all of the people that looked out for you, even though he had remarried, and your sister at that, Jeff was always there for you.  I have a feeling that he always regretted letting you go.  If I were straight, I would have asked you to marry me.  You were my best friend.  I couldn't see how someone could divorce you in your time of extreme need.  He knew you had the M.S., and the Krohn's disease.  The breast cancer must have been too much for him.  I always thought that he was the love of your life.  I don't know, maybe I'm wrong.  I found it strange that you died penniless.  You must have sold your share of the bakery to Jeff, and your condo, and ran through your savings while you were sick.  Jeff said that your sister, Sabrina, took advantage of the situation and stole your medication and what little money you had.  He said that he had to kick her out of your condo.  She must have really gone down hill to do that to you.  Jeff said that he thought that she was hanging around for the money, but in the end, found out there was none.
     I was surprised that Jeff and Saundra adopted your niece, Sara's baby.  I guess it was no surprise that she would have a child and not be married.  Her mom, Sabrina, was not actually the Mother Of  The Year contender.  He also told me about Dawn having her kids taken away from her, and now they are in their twenties.  I guess she also had another baby recently.  Wow, how things change in 14 or 15 years.  Well, I guess I will see you soon again in my dreams, but this time hang around a little bit longer so that I can ask you about your last days.  Love,  Joe

school?

I can't believe that I'm really enrolled at Grand Valley.  Unfortunately, I can't get the degree that I really wanted.  Damn background checks!!  If you have three dui's, you can't get into the nursing program unless it has been 10 years since your last conviction.  I only have 7.   They don't have a veterinary program either.  So  I guess for now it's general education courses and then on to Not For Profit Administration.  I was really dismayed that my 188 credits from Lansing Community College didn't transfer.  Well, 4 of them did.  So, for now, I'm starting over, accept it's going to be harder because it's on a university level.  I so wanted an easier, softer way, for continuing my education, but I guess it's not Gods will.  What is Gods will for me?  To have a degree when I'm 53?  It just feels like so many road blocks popped up, and yet I keep going.  I'm beginning to wonder, but the financial aid is the only constant in the scheme of things.  I guess I just have to roll with it.  I already told my job that I would be cutting down to 4 days a week instead of 5.  I think I'll get a waiver for next term to at least get into a painting class as a non-major.  That could be fun, or very intimidating.  I'll just have to focus on my work, and not look at anyone Else's.  I'll be getting the Internet at the house, so that will be easier for me to study.  I guess it's just the process that I'm supposed to be going through now.  It just doesn't feel good.  It's out of my comfort zone.  I am not excited about it at all.  Time to make lemonade out of lemons.

oh,,,,,, I forgot

Hey Debra, It's me again.  I've been wanting to tell you that I am now almost 7 years clean and sober, and that I am now a watercolor artist.  I've sold almost all of what I've painted in the last 8 years, and I only have 3 left, that mom really liked and they are on display at the house.  I gave away a few too, to my best friend, Melissa.  She really needed some pictures for her apartment.  I looked for you in my dreams last nite, but I didn't see you.  I knew when I awoke from our last meeting, that you lied to me about not being dead.  The only time that you ever lied to me was when it was for my own good.  Is that how you feel now?  I still feel like I have no closure.  I haven't seen your grave site, or your ashes, or the program from you memorial service.  I've been wanting to ask you if you've seen dad, he really liked you.  In fact my whole family loved you.  They knew you were good for me.  You gave me a great opportunity working at your bakery, and I learned a whole new set of skills.  After almost 7 years of the bakery, I think you knew that I needed to move on.  Even though it didn't end well, you still were my friend, unconditionally.  I miss that.  I miss you.  When I see you again, I'll be sure to tell you how nice it is to see you, rather than to bring the moment down by telling you that your dead.  I think you know that, but I also think that you wanted to stay around on this earth longer than what God gave you.  I have our skating pictures in my wallet, and sometimes I look at them to remember how you used to be.  Before the M. S., and the breast cancer.  We really sucked at first, but then after some time and a new coach, we became the team that finally won.  Unfortunately, my drinking was starting to escalate at that time, and I quit before regionals.  I wanted to skate in new colors, but in a roid rage from your medication for the chromes disease, you got mad at me and cut up your new dress.  I regret quitting at that time.  Who knows how we would have done at that contest.  It was also the start of your M.S.  A couple of times I found it strange that you would be skating and just fall because you put your foot down and it didn't do what you wanted it to do.  I should have seen the signs, but I was too wrapped up in my own little world to notice.  Can you forgive me, especially for not being there when you needed me most?  Do you come to me in my dreams to let me know that you are okay?
When I see you again, I'll be sure to tell you to tell dad that I love him and miss him too.

I see you

Dear Deborah,  I saw you again last nite.  The M. S. was gone, the chromes disease was in remission, and the breast cancer was non-existent.  We had small talk, nothing in particular, and I rolled my sleeves up and began to help you at the bakery.  This time you told me you were far from dead.  I cried many tears of joy, as I did last week when I saw you.  We skated our favorite waltz in competition again, and you were like you were when we won state meet.  That time, I did not tell you you were dead, as I have so many times before.  You would get angry at me, and I didn't want to spoil our moments together.  It's so hard for me to believe that about 6 years ago, you succumbed to the cancer that came back after you lost both of your breasts.  And no one called me.  I hadn't heard from you for awhile, and even the last time we talked, you assured me that you were okay.  So when I called the bakery to see if you were there, they told me you had died the year before.  I was shocked, and angry, why didn't anyone call me.  You were supposed to be okay, fighting the cancer that had returned to a spot on your shoulder.  The reality of the situation over came me, and I became very sad.  I cried for awhile in disbelief.  Then you started to come to me in my dreams.  Are you really okay?  Is that what you are trying to tell me?  When you come to me, I know I am a lot older, out of shape, and unable to skate the way I used to, but we seem to manage.  I always want to hug you, but I know you are dead.  And the dream ends, as frustrating as it began.  I hope you come to me next week, as you have just about every week since you died.  I really want to skate our favorite, but technically difficult, fox trot that  we both loved.  I promise that I wont ruin the moment to remind you that you are dead.  We skated like champions before, with grace, and with ease.  I miss those times.  Five years of skating with someone just doesn't go away, not to mention all of the years that we had known each other.  We had some really good times, and some not so good times.  I remember when the chromes would flair up and I would try to carry you through the dances, and our coach would yell at me and insist that you do it yourself, with out my help.  I remember the times when you were strong from the steroids and would fight me through our dances.  I remember how I would joke with you before skating in front of the judges to put you at ease, and hopefully take away some of the nervousness that you always felt before we took the floor.  You were a beautiful skater, and when the M. S. took over, it was hard for me to watch you unable to balance and fall, just from walking.  Why God, did it have to be Debra?  She had made it through so many other health problems, why the M. S.?  Why the cancer?  She wasn't a bad person, she had a huge heart.  She gave me so many chances to clean my act up, and stop the drinking.  Why her? And to have been divorced by her third husband who was the love of her life, why?  He couldn't just hang with here sickness anymore?  So he cut and ran?  I know her sisters must have been around her when she died, they were all very close.  I know she was not alone.  Did she see angels when you came to take her, God?
 

 

hey

Hey all it's been awhile since I last blogged.  I finally got the surgery on my right big toe, and now I'm layed up for two months with nothing to do.  It is so much effort to get around.  I have a knee scooter, but that's a pain to load and unload  from my van.  I will start some new paintings soon.  I just have to get the energy to do it. I get my stitches out June 20,  and then I should be able to walk on it July 2nd.  Then I should be able to wears shoes on it August 2nd  So there goes my whole summer.  It's just a pain to load up my art supplies.  Also some guy hit me in a parking lot and now my car goes in for body work on the 13th.  I went for a job interview yesterday and I think that the boot and scooter was a drawback to getting the job.  I really wanted to get into this place too.  The pay is better, but I don't think the benefits are as good as what I'm getting now.  He said he would check into it and get back with me.  Oh well. If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all, it seems.  Hopefully things will  look up in the next month or two.  And my best friend is going off to college in the fall but moving into her new place on August 1st.   I'll be all alone!!!!!!  Okay, not totally.

It's all about the foot pain

A friend of mine has reminded me that it has been a months since my last post.  Well I have been dealing with some health issues, and I have tried just about everything imaginable to get the needed surgery paid for.  Medicaid, Adult Medical Program, and a call to Social Services to see if there is any help there for me.  None!  Not to my surprise, I don't have kids and I'm not dissabled, and I make too much money working part time.  What a joke this health care system is.  I don't have insurance through my employer because I don't work enough  hours,  so I'm SOL.  I even  went on the "wish upon a hero" website to see if I could get donations, and I only got one, and that was from my best friend.  This crappy weather is not a prime time for me to paint, my heart is just not into it.  I have two paintings that I can swap out for the ones that are winter scenes, just to keep up on the seasons.  I have to frame the one, and make a few minor corrections on it.  But as soon as I get this next consultation about the surgery, then I can start focussing on something else, and hopefully start a new painting.

First day of Spring!!!!!!!

The Robbins are back and the crocuses are blooming.  The first day of spring is here.  The weather today doesn't seem like it, though.  It's cold and cloudy today.  The giant moon last night was amazing.  It was yellow and hung low in the sky.  It was almost like a harvest moon, but bigger. 
The movie that Melissa and I saw last night was really good.  I didn't think that it would be that good, given the title, "I am four".  I didn't see the previews for it, that I can remember, but I'm glad that we went.  The way it ended, you just know there will be a sequel to it and I can't wait.  I wish that I could get rid of this "painters block" that seems to have overtaken me.  I almost feel like it's too much energy to get started on a new one.  Maybe it's just because I am still so tired from working so many hours in the last two weeks.
I know the inspiration will come, I just have to be patient with myself and let the creative part of me come out when it's ready.  My paintings have a sense of where I am at when I do them, and each one has a different emotion that I am feeling at the time I do them.  It's almost like I'm painting my feelings.